10 Years Really?

What Gift can I give?

In the hustle and bustle of Christmas time, the crazed streets filled with people shopping for the perfect gift, the wrapping of presents, while carols are being sung. We often forget the true meaning of Christmas and who it is about. There isn't anything wrong with celebrating Christmas with gifts to our friends and family its a part of our lives. The main focus for me this year is What Gift Can I give back? God gave me so much on Christmas day two thousands years ago. He sent His ONE and ONLY son to earth in human form. He sent Him so that I would be forgiven of my sins when I became a believer. He sent his one and only so that I might experience a love I could not afford. He showed me mercy and grace and saved my wretched, twisted soul. See He has given me so much and I give him so little. I can't give him anything that He doesn't already have. However, I do realize that there is ONE thing I can give and its the only thing he wants from me.

This past Sunday at church my cousin's daughter Kylie recited a poem that really touched my heart. Here's what it says...
What can I give Him as poor as I am
If I were a Shepherd
I would give a lamb
If I were a wise man
I would do my part
What can I give him?
I give him my heart.
That's exactly what I am doing this year. I am going to surrender completely to Him. I have given him areas of my life but not completely let go. I have such a hard time doing so. If I give up all of myself what will happen? Where will this take me? Those are the questions that keep me from complete surrender. Yet I know that my life is good hands. He will lead me where he wants, he will guide me, take care of me. I have NOTHING to lose by giving up my life entirely to him. In fact, I have EVERYTHING to gain by complete surrender. That's my gift to him this year. A completely surrendered heart not holding anything back what so ever. Tis the only thing I have to offer that is worth anything to him. And when I do, oh boy I do believe that life will surely be different!!!!

Passion and Compassion

Passion and Compassion

Finding FREEEDOM through F.R.E.E.D.O.M., an issue of the heart...

This post is honest and open….bear with me here…..

I want freedom. Everyone wants freedom from something. Freedom from debt, past mistakes, sin etc. However, freedom comes at a great price and it is a price I am willing to pay. Freedom costs a giving up of something. A battle of the will, emotions, and a battle that is daily. To gain freedom from my issue will take a dying of self, a surrendering to Christ. It will take time to gain this freedom; thankfully the journey has already begun….

For most of my teenage and adult life I have struggled with my weight. It has been a roller coaster ride. Quite honestly struggling with my weight has been the hardest issue I have ever had to deal with on a daily basis. It has brought so many unwanted things in my life. Things I would rather not deal with. It is more than a struggle with weight. It is also a struggle with emotions and the spiritual walk. The unwanted issues it brought into my life are insecurities, no confidence, a low self esteem, a poor self image, lack of self control etc. Struggling with my weight has kept me from some of my hearts deepest and greatest desires. Struggling with my weight has cuased relationship barriers in my life and walls surrounding my heart. A means to keep people from getting close to me. An excuse to do what I want to do.. This struggle began many years ago….

This journey began when I was thirteen or fourteen. I had just ended a serious relationship with someone I once cared about. Instead of taking charge of my emotions I let them get the best of me and I turned to the wrong source of comfort. I was a Christian if you even want to call it that. I didn’t realize how imperative it was to rely on God and to let Him feel the empty void that I felt. I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t care about what I was putting in my mouth or what is was doing to me physically.

I have tried everything from Weight Watchers, calorie counting, eating healthy, exercising you name it… What I realize now is that this is an issue that is much deeper then on a physical level. It is an issue that is at the core of the heart. It is an issue of obedience. It is an issue of submitting to God. It is an issue of relying on my own strength rather than on God’s. It is an issue of my will over God’s. It is an issue of pride. It is an issue of dying to my flesh. It is an issue of not surrendering to Christ. It is an issue of not treating this temple (which is Christ’s, we were bought for a price and we are not our own) right. And at the very core of the issue is rebellion and sin. How I wish I could go back and change. How I wish that I am not where I am today. It has taken me nearly eleven years to realize this. However, the past is behind me and all I can do today is focus one day at a time. I can’t focus on the future because only God knows what my future holds.

What do I have to do in order to gain freedom? I have to first and foremost submit to God and resist the Devil. Facing the temptation to eat is just as much as a temptation kill someone. Secondly, I have to surrender my will. I have to desire what God wants for me over what I want. I have to die to my flesh. I have to literally nail myself to the cross so that my flesh does not rule me. I have to stay in the Word (which teaches me truth that will set me free). I have to be obedient to what God says. I have to keep my eyes ahead and not in the past.

My church has recently started a weight loss group called F.R.E.E.D.O.M. It is based on Biblical principle and Godly advice, healthy eating and exercise. Our first week the group lost about 40 lbs!! Way to go girls!!! What is so amazing is that we have a support group of ladies who are on the same journey. Who are struggling with the same issues. What is great? That most of the ladies are a part of my church family!!!! J I love being able to be a part of a group which I love so much!!!!

Since I have started this journey…which is now going on two weeks…I have started gaining self confidence. I have started feeling the need to fix my hair every day and dress up to go into town. I am relying on God rather than myself. I have been (trying) to die to flesh daily and remembering Philippians 4:13. I have found that I love to work out and really love to eat healthy! I now know that when I rely on His strength I can succeed at weight loss. It may take some time…but like I said…I want freedom from being in bondage to eating…it will cost much…but I will also gain much. I am so thankful that I can turn to God to feel my empty void and He will satisfy it. Just the other day I was reading in the word and I was super hungry…but I had made up my mind to die to my desires and finish reading…that brought such strength to me that day, making myself realize that I can do this!!! I am going to have freedom….Through Christ I can do all things!!!!

These WILL NOT inherit the Kingdom of God...

Today as I was reading in Galatians 5, something really caught my eye. I have read these familiar verses many times yet today they seemed to jump off the page at me.

All of my life, I have been taught the Truth. I have grown up in a church that teaches Truth hardcore and I am so thankful that God has placed me in this church. If not for my church and God I don't know where I would be spiritually today...and that is such a scary thought...I can't even fathom what my life would consist of. Wow, I would be one lost soul searching for something I would never be able to find.

As I was reading a few verses really caught my attention. Right now my pastor is teaching is teaching some very basic teachings on truth, yet they are also a very vital part of the Word. He is handing out Bible studies titled "Truth On Trial" they generally take about 15-20 minutes to complete but they are so good.

Truth is something that every one must hear and at some point get ahold of. Hopefully, when we first hear truth we will take the nugget and apply to our daily walk. John 8:32 says "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." Seems so simple doesn't it? Yet, when we are given truth and we do nothing with it, it becomes sin. James 4:17 says "Remember, it is sin to what you ought to do and then not do it." The Bible tells us certain things to do...like for instance Hebrews 12:2 tells us to-"don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you which is good and pleasing and perfect." What are we be told to do? 1. we are told to not copy what the world does or copy the behavior 2. we are told to let God transform us into a new person 3. we are told to let God change the way we think. When we do these things, we become who He has created us to be AND we have obeyed a piece of truth given to us, when we don't do as this verse tell us to we are sinning according to James 4:17.

Can't believe it took all that to get here. Galatians 5:19-21 says "When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will NOT inherit the Kingdom of God." That is truth. When we live with this type of sin...which it is sin any way that you look at it we will not go and be with our Creator. We will simply will inherit the lake of fire with the god of this world. I don't know about you, but that really makes me think. If I do these things, which in many places in the Bible I am told to put to death the desires of the sinful nature I will not inherit the Kingdom of God. That is the only place I want to be when I die and to inherit His Kingdom, I must take this truth and apply it to myself. If I don't I might as well just sin...and that isn't something that I am willing to do intentionally.

I hope that we all listen to the truth whether we want to hear it or not. It is a matter of life or death. I don't know about you, I would rather listen to the truth and do it then end up in hell.

Changing outlook and something New

Early this morning I really got to thinking about some things. First, I started to think about my out look on life and what I am showing others. Most people have one of two out looks on life...either positive or negative. I am in between but lean more towards a negative out look. But I began to realize that my out look on life may cause others around me to gain the same perspective. That's not something I want. I want my influence on others to be positive and uplifting. Not negative and depressing. I want them to see that I have something good inside because what Christ has done for me and what He in turn can do for them. Why should life be negative? There is a secret behind this...IT'S CALLED A CHOICE. We don't have to walk around feeling negative. We can CHOOSE to be positive even if life is a little tough. Jesus is always here for us no matter what we go through so we should defiantly something to be positive about!! :D It's also about how we view ourselves. If we think negatively about ourselves then that is what we will portray on the outside. This has been very eye opening for me today, and now I know how to change this negative outlook that I have, by renewing my mind and transforming it through TRUTH! Wow, I am going to change my outlook so that others might be influenced to have a positive out look as well! :)

Now as for trying something new..My goal for this next week is to do something kind for someone. It doesn't have to be big, it could just be a smile to brighten someones day. That is my goal. I want to show kindness to others and this is one way that I have thought about doing it. Don't really know how it will work just in trying stage as of right now! Might call it something like "Make a difference Monday" I used to hear this on the radio and really like d the idea of it. Some of the ways this can work: buy coffee at Starbucks and start a chain reaction. In the line @ 7-11 buy someones drink. Just start doing things that cause others to think and get them to doing the same thing. Just a thought, hope it works out. If you want to join me, send me a message and let me know the ways that you help someone this week!

Changing outlook and something

Celebrate Recovery

Today (Saturday) I went to CR for the first time. It reminded me so much of Rescue the Girls, but so much deeper because it is a 12 step program. The girls that come have such heartbreaking stories it tears you apart. You can try and picture what it must be like to live through some of their stories and try to understand the grief they are going through because of the choices they have made but its next to impossible. You listen to the girls share and tears will stream down your face because you can't fathom what they are going through. You can tell them they have hope and a future but what if they don't feel that way, what if they feel that they are too screwed up to change their messes? Tell that to them, you might get a good response or you might get one that says something that kills you. I spent much of the day in prayer for these girls. I don't really know what to pray, just that God would be their hope and that they would realize that life in Him is worth living. That they would just make it through another day. What else can I do?? Nothing. But let me tell you. I was totally with my element today, I know that this is what God is wanting to do. Help girls in the same situations...and it won't be easy and it will take much prayer and effort. But I feel right at home. I don't feeel anything toward them but love and hope for their lives. God's timing is just right as always, I am gaining training & perspective in the best way possible: seeing how these women with such hurtful past take it minute by minute just to survive. My heart is heavy. All I can do is pray.

It's been awhile, I know!

Wow, these past few weeks have really flown by! I have been under alot of stress/pressure and having some strange health probs with head aches, vision and other things. This is all due school lol! I cannot wait for May 8th to be here! I am literally going to take all of my stuff and burn it. With that said, life is been undergoing some major changes! Firstly, I have been focusing on my health, well as far as my eating, excersing! I think I posted about being on the brink of something big and new??? Well this is just a part! In the past two weeks I have lost a little over 12 wks. I have been combining Weight Watchers & The Biggest Loser together. Both programs are really great and plus I really love the show!! The people on there are so inspiring. If they can do...certainly I CAN AS WELL!!! :) As far as more changes....I am not addicted to myspace any longer....however, I am still working on FB and these sillly blogs. What makes this awesome?? Well, nothing quite yet!! LOL As soon as school is over I will have more TIME i feel as if I have none and it is driving me insane. My grades are all good with the exception of 1....to much to do....I am so good at procrastinating which really makes my stress level worse...so this week I finished up THREE projects and have started one that isn't due until April 20th. I want to get it finished so that I have time to focus on finals! Finally, I have a new scrap booking buddy!! My Mom has joined me on the addiction and it is so much fun watching her create pages and become more creative as the time goes on!! I have started my 5th one!!! I love it!!! I'll add some of my lay outs to show how cute they are!
Well, that is my crazy life!!! Oh yeah, got a hair cut today and its super cute!! Will upload new pic later on!!

On the brink of something new

Have you ever had this feeling that something big and new is about to happen? Well, that is the feeling I am having right now...BUT...I don't know what this change is going to be. Will it be good or bad? Haha. I am not big on change but I am ready for something new and different! I will coninue to pray and seek God, cause whatever it is, good or bad, He'll be there to see me through! Well, that is a short post, just alot on my mind!

Here are the newest pics of Dakota and Alexis! They are getting sooo big and adorable! Dakota will be 7 months old tomorrow and Alexis is 33 months today!

My heart breaks

How does this go??!! Well, let's start out by saying that I have been a nanny for 7 months for a great family. I take the kids to a middle school in Edmond...and that is where this story begins. A tale of that makes my heart want to shatter into a millions places. I am beginning to realize that this issue begins in the early stages of life and I want to stop it from happening. The only problem is, I know what the solution is, I just don't know how to reach them. They do go to school, but I just don't think that I could just walk up to these girls and not get into trouble for someone thinking I am some sort of weirdo, which is the farthest thing from the truth! So, here goes. This past month, I have noticed a girl who stands away from anyone. This takes place early in the morning before school ever starts. What a way to start your day.. She won't go up and talk to anyone. She shyly and awkwardly plays with her hair, tugging at her shirt. This is so very familiar scene that I am observing. It's a mirror image of myself many years ago and at times this little monster appears from time to time...you know what I am talking about yet?? If not, I am sure all of you have struggled with it many a times. Its the big annoyance, heart wrenching, mind over taker called insecurity. Now that you know what I am talking of, have you ever been in this place? To feel so insecure that you won't allow yourself to be near anyone that might talk to you? That they would say something and expect it to slash another big gash into our already sliced heart? This is all to familiar for me. When I see her standing all alone tears start falling from my eyes. I know the pain she is experiencing. The way she feels inside makes her feel miserable, unhappy wondering why she even exists in this world. We all know the solution for her, but does she? Does she even have a clue that there is someone who loves her more than anything? Does she realize that if she would learn the truth that she wouldn't feel this way? Do any of the girls struggling know that there is a better way than this?? This is a burning issue for me...I want them to see the truth, to let them know that they are not alone and that they are special and loved more then they could ever imagine, but how do you reach them??? I just want to give this girl the biggest hug, tell her she is not alone in this struggle, that there is hope. That God is the one who will heal her heart. Again as I am telling this story tears come to my eyes, I have been there and felt the same sting, my heart is hurting so badly for her right now it is unreal. But what can I do?? I feel that I am to pray for her, other than that??? I just trust that Jesus will reach her in some way!!!

Goodbye!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to tell everyone that I am deleting my "myspace". There are many things that are going on in my life right now and this is just a huge distraction and waste of time for myself. As of right now, I am in a very confused and lost state. Satan is using every force tactic that he can think of and sadly to say more then ever its working. However, he will not win this battle. The people, circumstances, distractions, everything he is trying to use over me will not work. I am going to focus everything that I have on things that are more important for me right now! He will not over power me! I will not back down! Everything that I am and have is God's and his alone.
He is bringing confusion in ways that I have never experienced before. My schooling is one of them. I know that I am to switch my major this Fall. I have had peace about it, but all of the sudden I'm not sure...its so overwhelming. I have never been so stressed out about school ever, in fact its usually one of the things I enjoy most...however, I'm not used to the work load...its very different then what I have experienced in the past which I am ok with with, I just need to figure out a way to fit everything in my schedule. He is using my insecurities in full force and honestly its really getting on my nerves. I know who I am in Christ mentally, yet I don't believe it in my actions or heart...soooooo all of this time wasting I'm done with it! I win this battle.
So, this time that I am going to use, its time to focus on my relationship first of all with Christ. It's the most important thing to me and I am going to ensure that it stays this way. Relationships with my family and people I am always around, who I am in Christ, my insecurities, the confusion and chaos, my major, my ministry....everything that I am being overwhelmed with and put it into perspective!
I will keep my blog. I like to write and I feel that this is a good way to do so!!! I will update it whenever I have the time! So, please keep me in your prayers as I take this time to refocus and prioritize my life! Love you all!!!!

a new inspiration!!!

a new blog is on the way....Facing any fear...an inspiration from the Bible study Esther from Beth Moore! So it was eye opening! God showed me something and it was amazing! Will post later this week!

The week I have ahead!

This week ahead is going to be so busy! I am so excited that I am finally back in the groove of my so called "normal" life...Whatever "normal" may be. For me, normal is school, work, church and time with family! Which I lolve! However, I am finding it harder this semester to juggle everything I have. On top of everything else, I am a team leader at my church(which I am very happy about) so I have to figure how to fit that in as well as all the ministry teams I am on...two of which are apart of my future! I have been wanting it for so long and God is finally bringing it all together! Boy, its sure has been a long wait and I have a lot of things that need to happen before it all happens so right now this is just the beginning which is so amazing! God works in that kind of way though! Its always a different path we follow when we are trusting in Him. Anyway, this next week my brother is going to stay with our Dad who lives in Kansas because of his job situation. He is leaving his wife and two kiddos and I get to go and stay with them this entire week which will be so much fun! Also, I have started a new Beth Moore Bible study called Esther which I already love! So just to give you an idea of my life I am going to show you this next week...
Sunday-church, prepare a study guide for my Lit. test(will take many hours), fold my clean laundry, go to my sis in laws house and hang/stay with her.
Monday-work at 6:30, drop Supi off @ 9AM, go to school and work on studying, class @ 10, go home, study for Lit test, @ 2pm meet with my school principle to set up my 30 hrs of field exp. for the next 9 wks, pick up Uday @ 3:30 and work until 6, go back to Rebekah's to study eat dinner and go to bed!
Tuesday-work @ 630-900, study for Lit. Test, class from 9-145, eat quick lunch, go to work from 245-6, go home to study for test, then go to Rebekah's to sleep!
Wednesday-work 630-9, study, class @ 10-11, go to assigned school for 3 hrs of field experience, work at 330-6, go to Bible study and home and spend the rest of the night studying and then go to Rebekah's to sleep!
Thursday-repeat same schedule as Tuesday-add studying for two straight hours, Lit. test @ 11, and class until 145, work from 245-6, then back to Rebekah's to eat dinner and hang out/sleep!
Friday-work 630-9, class @10-11, home until 230ish, work 245-6 then Im done with my CRZY week and hopefully we will get to scrapbook tonight...I need to catch up!!
Ok, it may not seem that bad to some of you, but on top of all of this, I have to schedule a team mtg, have the mtg, start on projects that wil be due soon and have many mtgs at church.... I love being in school and actually doing work, but man.....its tough! Although by the Grace of God I WILL make it through because Philipians 4:13 says "I can do ALL things thru Christ who strenghthens me!"

India....I sure do miss that place...

Well, it has been officially a month since I've been in India! + one day! The trip was truly amazing and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to visit a country that is so different than America. In India, the culture is so different. The people, the money, the transportation, school, time, comforts....nothing is the same. While I was there I saw so many people walking around looking for something they could not find. I realized that they had ANYTHING but Jesus in their lives. It really made me hurt for them and there was really nothing I could do. However, God spoke to me saying that it's at home too. All you have to do is look around and you will see it. The same thing many hurting and desperate people. I also had another time when my life was touched in a very special way. The Sunday prior to my leaving America, God gave a spoken word for me about my ministry. Basically saying that the walls of my ministry are going to come down. That I was going to be so full of love that it was going to be overflowing and more....I didn't know what that meant until I got to India. We went to the Hope Home where 32 children live with Beulah(their Mommy), David Sahyem(daddy), Smitha and Isaac(Beulah's daughter and son in law). These children really know what love is all about. They for one have been loved by God and two they have been accepted into the Hope family. From these children and Beulah, I learned what it's like to feel loved and how to love. I now have a love that I have never had before. It is now a love of deep concern and a love that I don't really understand. A more meaningful love that I can't explain or describe and its also overflowing in my heart and I don't know how to respond to it...I didn't realize that the walls of my ministry had come down until a few days later when I was journaling. Its so amazing how God works, he shows us something when we least expect it!
Well, these are only a few of the amazing things that happened while I was away! I plan to post more soon! Keep checking for updates!

I'm leaving on a Jet plane don't know when I'll get back again......

Well, it's finally here! I am leaving for India in 13 hours! I am stoked! I have been awaiting this trip for the past 6 months. I am all packed...just a few final touches anyway. God worked this trip out. I have wanted to go to India for a while now and I finally get the chance of a lifetime. The schedule is super busy. We are going to visit the orphanage for startes, we are going to visit the widows, go to the beach for baptisms, love on the kids, have village meetings, go to a few church services....just to name a few! : ) So far, I haven't had anything to share, but I am praying that the Holy Spirit will guide me to share something while I am there. Mostly I am going to spend time with the kids and get an idea of what life is like in a third world country. I am hoping for this to make a life impacting change on my life....something that will blow my mind! I am up for anything! Please keep our team in your prayers as we take this 2 week long journey! I will post an update as soon I as I can! Take care and God bless! Love, Ashley!! <3

Happy New Years!

I cannot believe that 2008 is already over. I am so excited for this new year however. I feel things coming and things changing for me this year. In fact its very overwhelming to me. I have been going over the past year and seeing how much I have changed and what circumstances God has seen me through. He has been by my side so many times and crazy me I really questioned if He was ever really there to begin with. Now I know the answer to that question...it takes time...well, while I was going to Kansas I know God was by my side for sure....it was very icy and our car started sliding sideways and ended up doing a 360. There was a car in the lane next to me which I missed and on the side of the road there was a man standing there and I missed him as well. The only bad thing that happened was we were going north and on the same side we ended up turned south....very scary but we were safe the whole time! PTL! Now as for the new year, I start if off very exciting...but I'll post more about that tomorrow! My prayer for the new year is as follows......not really resolutions but life changing things/goals/attainable stuff.....

• a dedicated life to Jesus-all or nothing


• no compromise-be above reproach in everything I say and do


• giving of my self-become selfless
• become more involved in other's lives
• be involved in our church ministry teams at church
• titheing-disciplined
• get out of debt-pay cash for Christmas
• read my Bible daily
• be involved in school and do well
• do what others ask
• have fun
• be all who God has called me to be....

What is/are your things to attain this new year:?