My heart breaks

How does this go??!! Well, let's start out by saying that I have been a nanny for 7 months for a great family. I take the kids to a middle school in Edmond...and that is where this story begins. A tale of that makes my heart want to shatter into a millions places. I am beginning to realize that this issue begins in the early stages of life and I want to stop it from happening. The only problem is, I know what the solution is, I just don't know how to reach them. They do go to school, but I just don't think that I could just walk up to these girls and not get into trouble for someone thinking I am some sort of weirdo, which is the farthest thing from the truth! So, here goes. This past month, I have noticed a girl who stands away from anyone. This takes place early in the morning before school ever starts. What a way to start your day.. She won't go up and talk to anyone. She shyly and awkwardly plays with her hair, tugging at her shirt. This is so very familiar scene that I am observing. It's a mirror image of myself many years ago and at times this little monster appears from time to time...you know what I am talking about yet?? If not, I am sure all of you have struggled with it many a times. Its the big annoyance, heart wrenching, mind over taker called insecurity. Now that you know what I am talking of, have you ever been in this place? To feel so insecure that you won't allow yourself to be near anyone that might talk to you? That they would say something and expect it to slash another big gash into our already sliced heart? This is all to familiar for me. When I see her standing all alone tears start falling from my eyes. I know the pain she is experiencing. The way she feels inside makes her feel miserable, unhappy wondering why she even exists in this world. We all know the solution for her, but does she? Does she even have a clue that there is someone who loves her more than anything? Does she realize that if she would learn the truth that she wouldn't feel this way? Do any of the girls struggling know that there is a better way than this?? This is a burning issue for me...I want them to see the truth, to let them know that they are not alone and that they are special and loved more then they could ever imagine, but how do you reach them??? I just want to give this girl the biggest hug, tell her she is not alone in this struggle, that there is hope. That God is the one who will heal her heart. Again as I am telling this story tears come to my eyes, I have been there and felt the same sting, my heart is hurting so badly for her right now it is unreal. But what can I do?? I feel that I am to pray for her, other than that??? I just trust that Jesus will reach her in some way!!!

Goodbye!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to tell everyone that I am deleting my "myspace". There are many things that are going on in my life right now and this is just a huge distraction and waste of time for myself. As of right now, I am in a very confused and lost state. Satan is using every force tactic that he can think of and sadly to say more then ever its working. However, he will not win this battle. The people, circumstances, distractions, everything he is trying to use over me will not work. I am going to focus everything that I have on things that are more important for me right now! He will not over power me! I will not back down! Everything that I am and have is God's and his alone.
He is bringing confusion in ways that I have never experienced before. My schooling is one of them. I know that I am to switch my major this Fall. I have had peace about it, but all of the sudden I'm not sure...its so overwhelming. I have never been so stressed out about school ever, in fact its usually one of the things I enjoy most...however, I'm not used to the work load...its very different then what I have experienced in the past which I am ok with with, I just need to figure out a way to fit everything in my schedule. He is using my insecurities in full force and honestly its really getting on my nerves. I know who I am in Christ mentally, yet I don't believe it in my actions or heart...soooooo all of this time wasting I'm done with it! I win this battle.
So, this time that I am going to use, its time to focus on my relationship first of all with Christ. It's the most important thing to me and I am going to ensure that it stays this way. Relationships with my family and people I am always around, who I am in Christ, my insecurities, the confusion and chaos, my major, my ministry....everything that I am being overwhelmed with and put it into perspective!
I will keep my blog. I like to write and I feel that this is a good way to do so!!! I will update it whenever I have the time! So, please keep me in your prayers as I take this time to refocus and prioritize my life! Love you all!!!!

a new inspiration!!!

a new blog is on the way....Facing any fear...an inspiration from the Bible study Esther from Beth Moore! So it was eye opening! God showed me something and it was amazing! Will post later this week!

The week I have ahead!

This week ahead is going to be so busy! I am so excited that I am finally back in the groove of my so called "normal" life...Whatever "normal" may be. For me, normal is school, work, church and time with family! Which I lolve! However, I am finding it harder this semester to juggle everything I have. On top of everything else, I am a team leader at my church(which I am very happy about) so I have to figure how to fit that in as well as all the ministry teams I am on...two of which are apart of my future! I have been wanting it for so long and God is finally bringing it all together! Boy, its sure has been a long wait and I have a lot of things that need to happen before it all happens so right now this is just the beginning which is so amazing! God works in that kind of way though! Its always a different path we follow when we are trusting in Him. Anyway, this next week my brother is going to stay with our Dad who lives in Kansas because of his job situation. He is leaving his wife and two kiddos and I get to go and stay with them this entire week which will be so much fun! Also, I have started a new Beth Moore Bible study called Esther which I already love! So just to give you an idea of my life I am going to show you this next week...
Sunday-church, prepare a study guide for my Lit. test(will take many hours), fold my clean laundry, go to my sis in laws house and hang/stay with her.
Monday-work at 6:30, drop Supi off @ 9AM, go to school and work on studying, class @ 10, go home, study for Lit test, @ 2pm meet with my school principle to set up my 30 hrs of field exp. for the next 9 wks, pick up Uday @ 3:30 and work until 6, go back to Rebekah's to study eat dinner and go to bed!
Tuesday-work @ 630-900, study for Lit. Test, class from 9-145, eat quick lunch, go to work from 245-6, go home to study for test, then go to Rebekah's to sleep!
Wednesday-work 630-9, study, class @ 10-11, go to assigned school for 3 hrs of field experience, work at 330-6, go to Bible study and home and spend the rest of the night studying and then go to Rebekah's to sleep!
Thursday-repeat same schedule as Tuesday-add studying for two straight hours, Lit. test @ 11, and class until 145, work from 245-6, then back to Rebekah's to eat dinner and hang out/sleep!
Friday-work 630-9, class @10-11, home until 230ish, work 245-6 then Im done with my CRZY week and hopefully we will get to scrapbook tonight...I need to catch up!!
Ok, it may not seem that bad to some of you, but on top of all of this, I have to schedule a team mtg, have the mtg, start on projects that wil be due soon and have many mtgs at church.... I love being in school and actually doing work, but man.....its tough! Although by the Grace of God I WILL make it through because Philipians 4:13 says "I can do ALL things thru Christ who strenghthens me!"

India....I sure do miss that place...

Well, it has been officially a month since I've been in India! + one day! The trip was truly amazing and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to visit a country that is so different than America. In India, the culture is so different. The people, the money, the transportation, school, time, comforts....nothing is the same. While I was there I saw so many people walking around looking for something they could not find. I realized that they had ANYTHING but Jesus in their lives. It really made me hurt for them and there was really nothing I could do. However, God spoke to me saying that it's at home too. All you have to do is look around and you will see it. The same thing many hurting and desperate people. I also had another time when my life was touched in a very special way. The Sunday prior to my leaving America, God gave a spoken word for me about my ministry. Basically saying that the walls of my ministry are going to come down. That I was going to be so full of love that it was going to be overflowing and more....I didn't know what that meant until I got to India. We went to the Hope Home where 32 children live with Beulah(their Mommy), David Sahyem(daddy), Smitha and Isaac(Beulah's daughter and son in law). These children really know what love is all about. They for one have been loved by God and two they have been accepted into the Hope family. From these children and Beulah, I learned what it's like to feel loved and how to love. I now have a love that I have never had before. It is now a love of deep concern and a love that I don't really understand. A more meaningful love that I can't explain or describe and its also overflowing in my heart and I don't know how to respond to it...I didn't realize that the walls of my ministry had come down until a few days later when I was journaling. Its so amazing how God works, he shows us something when we least expect it!
Well, these are only a few of the amazing things that happened while I was away! I plan to post more soon! Keep checking for updates!

I'm leaving on a Jet plane don't know when I'll get back again......

Well, it's finally here! I am leaving for India in 13 hours! I am stoked! I have been awaiting this trip for the past 6 months. I am all packed...just a few final touches anyway. God worked this trip out. I have wanted to go to India for a while now and I finally get the chance of a lifetime. The schedule is super busy. We are going to visit the orphanage for startes, we are going to visit the widows, go to the beach for baptisms, love on the kids, have village meetings, go to a few church services....just to name a few! : ) So far, I haven't had anything to share, but I am praying that the Holy Spirit will guide me to share something while I am there. Mostly I am going to spend time with the kids and get an idea of what life is like in a third world country. I am hoping for this to make a life impacting change on my life....something that will blow my mind! I am up for anything! Please keep our team in your prayers as we take this 2 week long journey! I will post an update as soon I as I can! Take care and God bless! Love, Ashley!! <3

Happy New Years!

I cannot believe that 2008 is already over. I am so excited for this new year however. I feel things coming and things changing for me this year. In fact its very overwhelming to me. I have been going over the past year and seeing how much I have changed and what circumstances God has seen me through. He has been by my side so many times and crazy me I really questioned if He was ever really there to begin with. Now I know the answer to that question...it takes time...well, while I was going to Kansas I know God was by my side for sure....it was very icy and our car started sliding sideways and ended up doing a 360. There was a car in the lane next to me which I missed and on the side of the road there was a man standing there and I missed him as well. The only bad thing that happened was we were going north and on the same side we ended up turned south....very scary but we were safe the whole time! PTL! Now as for the new year, I start if off very exciting...but I'll post more about that tomorrow! My prayer for the new year is as follows......not really resolutions but life changing things/goals/attainable stuff.....

• a dedicated life to Jesus-all or nothing


• no compromise-be above reproach in everything I say and do


• giving of my self-become selfless
• become more involved in other's lives
• be involved in our church ministry teams at church
• titheing-disciplined
• get out of debt-pay cash for Christmas
• read my Bible daily
• be involved in school and do well
• do what others ask
• have fun
• be all who God has called me to be....

What is/are your things to attain this new year:?